On Being Miserable: A How To Guide

•Don't even lay down for a moment and think about all that you have. Remind yourself that your life really could not be any worse. You are suffering more than anyone.

•Don't sit down for a single second. This may cause contemplation, which may result in a small amount of "content". And even a sliver of happiness can infect the whole finger. The positivity can spread through your system to your brain and, in time, you will find the optimism has taken over the sum of your entire body.

•And you don't want that.

•Count your many trials name them one by one.

•Don't turn on the radio. Music is dangerous. Tapping of the foot may release some emotional weight off your brain, so just try to avoid beats and rhythms in general. It is safest with out the music anyways.

•Do nothing too risky. Or different. Any sort of physical or emotional activity can be dangerous to your overall misery. So keep the blinds closed and spend your Saturdays sleeping alone.

•Keep all social interaction to a bare minimum. Conversations must stay away from news of high importance. "Hi, how are you. Nice weather we're having." Spongebob said it best.

•Be careful not to smile. Smiling can change a person's whole face and personality.. make them look so much more attractive.. it's kinda like... magic. But to keep a perfectly miserable countenance, all sort of loveliness must be avoided. So keep your hood over your eyes and your lips over your teeth, pressed into a frown. Yes. Oh, yes. Now you look wonderfully melancholy.

•Most crucially, you must avoid Love. This is the most dangerous drug of all. If caught, the joy can be quite contagious and is fatal to everyone's overall misery that come in contact with you. This sort of joy can be addictive and will only result in a disgusting amount of happiness.

• But this one can be avoided if you only read the stories and never create one of your own.

If you're happy and cannot sleep count your miseries instead of sheep.