Winter Posts, never posted

I never stress but when I do stress I stress about becoming.

and I don't know much about you, but I do know about me.
               And, God, you know that every minute I'm trying everything I can to hold the tears in my eyes. Where they belong.

Because I'm so nervous.         But I'm just scared about letting you down. I'm always scared about letting you down, God.

            And I believe in Karma, God. I believe that if I sleep before I pray tonight, someone will ask me on a date tomorrow. and I don't want to go on a date.           I don't want to believe in raw superstition, but I do.

I never really stress, but when I do stress, I stress about "becoming". I worry that someday somebody might tell me about reality.                                 That, someday, someone will shatter this dream-world I live in.

and, God, this is all that I have.

I never speak for fear that the silence in here is the only pressure keeping the one-way mirrors formed in this box around me from caving in.

and I've realized that these mirrors face me.
That everyone else can look into the mirror and see me somewhere in their reflection, but, when I look up I don't see anybody, I only see me.

Snails.

Right now, you and I, we're kinda the world.

And you're not even here next to me.
I know right now you're sleeping in your bed, but I'm wondering if you can feel me too.
I wonder if you can still hear me laughing at the jokes you made hours ago or if you can still feel the pulling of my arm linked to yours. Making you follow me through every creek and trail, under every bridge and tree.

You chased me around the neighborhood, to New York and back again.

I know I'll miss teasing you.
You teasing me.

I know you have to leave me. So you can chase me, catch me, and keep me for good this time. That's what I'd like.

So we can have a sleepover every night and talk till we can't keep our eyes open any longer.
So I can finally run with you in the rain and forget the rest of the world ever existed. So we could huddle up in piles of blankets like you know I love to and fall asleep watching the lightning.

So we can wear matching ugly holiday outfits to every family Christmas party.

So Em and I could go shopping for a pretty white dress. Spending hours trying on all the dresses we see. Trying to find the perfect one.
So you and I could watch The Princess Diaries and drink hot chocolate, with our hair still wet from the pouring rain.
So we won't have to say good night ever again.

SHINING

"If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." -Roald Dahl