Hatred and Butterflies,

I used to think it was all about butterflies and finding wings. I thought it was all about escaping where I am. I thought there was no way I could make anything better. I thought I was stuck there in the mud and my wings were the only way out.

Now, I can't imagine how I was so content with loneliness. And all those lies.
Because, none of it, was even worth the risk.

I didn't know that I could be happy now. Even as teenager... whaaaa? Yeah.

I was in love with the moon and it seemed so romantic, but I didn't know the sun was always up and it never stops shining.
I want to scream that 'never' from the top of any building in New York City. But Empire State is too expensive and I'm practically broke.

But I don't regret it, nope. Because, thank you to everyone, I was lead to where I am now. And I am so happy. I didn't think it was quite possible.

I'm just here to tell you.. I hated that.

I hated how I was loved more when I was beautiful and everything had to be beautiful.
I love playing dress up. But I don't like to "dress up" to please you. I like vampires and gypsies and brides and neon '80's make-up. But I don't think you ever got it.
I never wanted to wear a certain thing to please you. I hated when you'd pull out my hair to the way you liked it. I just wanted to be loved looking the way I love to look.

You wouldn't know because you never could listen. You always sat me down and had me listen to your new song.

And you never touched my back, ever.

I'm sorry if this is immature. Sorry if I shouldn't be doing this. Sorry, I know I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to write worse.

I wrote "Sunlit Eyes" for the moon. Yes, it was like my Letter-I-Would-Give-To-Him-If-We-Ever-Did-Stop-Quietly-Being-In-Love-After-All-These-Years.

Yes, I could manipulate and mold you like jello (jello? it sounded right) If I was getting sick of you, I could say something like, "Hey, so ya know how people take breaks?? ...We should take one of those." A week or two. Then I'd be regenerated to go another month.

But I thought all of that was normal, because I'd never know if it wasn't.
You still think all of that was normal.
I was waiting for you to go on a mission and change. Then, I thought, you'd be perfect and worth it. But I sat on my porch one night and talked to someone, telling them that all of that is great and all, but I'm sick of just waiting around for you to change.

I can't imagine how I thought any of that was right.
Just tell me when you've figured out how wrong it was.


I was in love with the moon and it seemed so romantic, but I didn't know the sun was always up and it never stops shining. Nobody told me that.

                          That was weird for me, that was different.