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3:47 pm:

Nobody gets it. It's frustrating. No, it's maddening. Nobody gets it. It's not the kind of love that I think anyone I know that's my age has felt. It's not just like "being in love". It's much, much deeper than that. It's not just thinking about how he's not here with me and how he can't hold my hand anymore or spank my bum all the time and other weird things we did that only I would adore. It's not that I miss his physical presence so much all the time that it's aching. Sure, there are some times, but those times have, thankfully, been rare. It's just not like that though. It's like we are connected even if he's 1,297.3 miles away. The distance feels like nothing and not just once a week when I can read and write a letter. It almost always feels like we are still holding hands tightly. I still feel like we are SO strong.

It runs deeper than this high school stuff. It really doesn't kill me to have him away because we are both so happy to know that he got to where he was heading. It'll be the same way when he hits his next big point in his life, whether or not I am a part of it. We will both be so happy as long as we both know the decision is right.

But I feel like there is no point. ZERO. NO POINT in talking to anybody about it because NOBODY gets it. It's not just something that "was" or even something that I hope "will be". It is NOW. Right now. And we are closer to each other than ever. I'm not concerned at all about what will happen. I am just concerned about doing everything I can to point things the way I'd like them. But I know, at this moment, I don't really have much control over what will happen in the future. So why worry, right?

Still. Nobody at all gets it. And that makes it so hard to talk to people.

It's not just all fun and young love. I feel like the love we have is deep, deep in me. We've both felt that this kind of love is purely from God. And we know that this was most definitely supposed to happen. We know that everything in our lives were lining us up for this. But that doesn't mean we know that God meant it to last forever. We just know that it was all meant to happen at that exact moment. That God gave us experiences before that pulled us and shaped us so that we matched up perfectly.

And I don't even care who takes me seriously or brushes this off like I'm stupid. I am not immature and I am not stupid. Just, see, nobody gets it.

It is so much deeper than any person at my age could think about seriously. It's the type of relationship that I hope they ALL get. Yes, I we're not married, but still we both know that God is definitely tied in our relationship. We know. We both could feel it. I think that can happen with anyone. Mom and daughter, sisters, best friends. Anyone.

Nothing that used to matter matters at all to us. It hasn't for a while. And it's so frustrating now to have to be the one that sees that. He used to remind me to be patient but that part's harder with him gone. I truly want everyone to love like we have.

But nobody gets it!

They wouldn't get the things that we've said and written, the things we feel and the things we never had to say to each other. Because actions speak so much louder than words. And you know how when two people love each other, they say "I don't care if you're with him. I just want you to be happy."

Well, it was that way before we stared to love each other in the more-than-friends way. But that's really not all there is to that saying that is so over-used.

True love is honestly more full of gratitude and unselfishness than the idea that "whatever makes you happy makes me happy". Because nobody really feels this way with big decisions. Because people can be selfish and foolish and if the other person can see that, it will more break his heart to see the person he loves make a wrong choice rather than make him happy because she is happy. Some kinds of happiness don't last too long.

It's more like "that path is the right one for her so I will be happy, even though it does not involve me." That is true caring and love.

That's the true, unselfish way.

But, you see, nobody gets it.

Our love is FULL of gratitude. Kind of spilling over the top actually. And love is the way that you're always trying to pay each other back. Love is FULL of service. That's what brought so much gratitude. It's like I want to do everything I can to pay him back for the things he's done for me, so I do more service and I love him as much as I possibly can, because I can feel that that is the way I can best show my gratitude for him. Then he does the same process, until you are both bursting at the seams with love and spilling over with gratitude.

And it's beautiful and magical and I wanna have everyone feel something like this.

And as a teenager, you aren't wanting to cover somebody in kisses because you want to show them how much you are thankful for the love and service they have shown you. The desire to cover him in kisses, not because of lust or passion, but because of gratitude.

It's so hard sometimes how I seriously can't relate to any other girls at all. I don't really get what they're talking about or why they do some things. But, I'm really trying. I just feel like when I use Timo to try to relate it's too wrong. Because he's just kind of too special, ya know?

Since Timo has left, I have been more thankful and grateful. And have become increasingly less selfish. I am sure his name on my Blessing's List is probably engraved forever on the back of my wall.

But let me tell you that I don't say that I am thankful and positive and unselfish in a way that is just boasting about myself. I know that with out the guidance, miracles and love that God has shown me through so many little things, and one of them through giving me Timo, and using him as a tool and a missionary that God could work through, at the EXACT, unbelievably perfect time- I know for a FACT that I would not be as happy as I am without God and his great power, his miracles and his incredible plan.

This, my friends, is why I want to be a missionary. Because I am overloaded with happiness that I know I could never bare to keep all to myself. I love Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ in the same way I love Timo. In the way that I want nothing more in the world than to serve Christ and give back all I can to show him my love and gratitude for all that he did for me. And Christ has really done EVERYTHING for me. Well, for all of us.

Yes, the happiness I have I want to share with everyone I love. I want them to feel the same way I have. But I'm not to the point where I feel that huge desire to have ever person feel it and keep it to. But I know it will come especially on my mission for the people I'm assigned to. But, right now, I know that it is enough to only try my best to bring people to the Savior just merely because I love Him. And I want to give back in the best ways I know how to. By love and by bringing people back to our dear Heavenly Father, just like He's planned.