Faith in MY Future

Hey, this is Phyllis. She never really left. I ran into her many times in New York and even more in Vermont. God sent her my way when He knew I needed her. God would remind me about Phyllis.
He doesn't let me forget the important things.
At least... He knows what's important to me.
And that brings me to where I am now. I'm sitting on the floor in this school bathroom. There's water, toilets and an outlet in here. What more could I want?
Maybe love. Maybe acceptance. Maybe a shower. But that all will come later. I'm hopeful of that.
I'm feeling homeless, but feeling really good about it.
One of my fav New Yorkers would always say "Follow your feet". I never really understood it, but right now I feel like I'm doing it. "Faith in the future" I heard on Sunday. I've always understood it. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I've got it. Because the future is in MY hands, dude. It's MINE.

"I wish I was in a greenhouse instead of writing lines."

Laughing with you was always real. Genuine, ever second of it.

I laugh now and my face hurts. My cheeks ache and I know it was never this way with you.

I honestly miss being able to laugh so obnoxiously. So loud, that's probably how the neighbors knew we were in love. Maybe even before I did.

The neighbors probably knew it from the start.

Slowly.

Always watching.                                           You know, neighbors.

The way we slowly would end up next to each other at any activity or class or choir practice. Everywhere.

Gravitation, yeah the neighbors probably saw it coming all along.

They could probably hear us through the grape vines they always manage to train around the interesting  places. They could probably hear us talking through every movie, every class, around the sleepy boy in choir, on your driveway, on mine, on your porch, on mine, on our dear bench. Everywhere. 

So many hours and not a single one felt wasted to either of us.

And there was once when the threats from our teachers to stop all that talking became a reality and we found ourselves sitting across from eachother outside the green house, writing lines and forbidden to speak.

"I wish I was in a greenhouse instead of writing lines."

"I wish I was in a greenhouse instead of writing lines."

"I wish I was in a greenhouse instead of writing lines."

It was then as I watched you writing those ridiculous words, sitting criss cross on the grass, that I realized... this isn't normal. Our friendship wasn't just the shallow, boy likes girl thing that our teacher viewed it as and our incredible ability to have a never ending conversation like that wasn't just exciting. It was so unique. 

And now it was obvious. The whole neighborhood saw it. You could see it. It seems that everyone knew to lay low and wait to see what happened next.

They could probably feel us as the urge to get closer and to hug and eventually to kiss got stronger when we were gonna just burst with love. That feeling has eventually come and stayed acting as a constant, but it wasn't always that way.

Our love was exploding. Buttons bursting, necklaces popping, beads spraying all over the floor, and buckles reaching their last holes. It was that way people talk about where true happiness totally takes you over and you are wanting every person alive to feel the exact same way you do. Bursting. Like I was the most gorgeous girl in the world. Make-up-less, T-shirt, dinosaur shorts and all. We felt so beautiful.

Somedays, bursting can feel more like a suction cup and somedays, I felt as if the whole neighborhood could feel it pulling us in. Making 'temptation' a harder word to me, but I think especially for you. Not in a big way to the world, but in a big way to us.

I like to think that's how most of our relationship was and I wonder if it will be the same when I see you again. That way we fell in love with how the other person viewed the world.
The most important things to us are still so small to the world but it makes me think that this is all the more special. We already matched up in that way before we even fell in love. I hope we still match up in every way, differences, similarities and our odd habits as the total weirdies we are.

God's Flashlight

Teenagers.

In 10 hours and 42 minutes I'll be a college girl.

New school, new blog, new Phyllis.
Sorry, this is the last post. I'm ready now to give Phyllis up. So if you care, listen up. This is it.


I'm going to college. And I know I'm not ready to go. UVU looks like a dungeon.
Never mind, I don't wanna go. I'm not ready for this.
Just take me back.
I just want to continue to spend my time thinking. Laying on my bed, watching the stars spin from my ceiling. Lay on my bed and look for shapes and figures splattered in the stucco on my ceiling. That kind of lazy stuff.

I wanna lie in my field where I used to sleep on the old summer nights.
Where there were no girls, no boys, no moms, no wild animal cats trying to eat me. Just me and God and the moon.
Walking onto that field during those warm nights was like stepping through some sort of barrier into a perfect world of immortality and lovely innocence.
I'd talk to God there, out loud. And I'd talk to the moon too. But I talked to the moon like God was somewhere buried in it's swiss-cheese craters.
No worry, no curfew, just summer in a field with God.

Sometimes I think, just take me back.

Lots of times, I wonder how many times I have been the happiest person in the world.
I think about a wall in heaven with all the records of who was the happiest person on the entire Earth at what exact time. Pure, true, and perfect happiness only.
It's nice to say that I think I've been on there more than 5 times at least.
Lots of Anne of Green Gables and real love stuff.
I wonder if there have been or will be times when I dominate a BIG chunk of the chart.
"Phyllis."
"Phyllis."
"Phyllis."

I like to think there's lots of spurts of love on the Happy Chart that says "Phyllis Sloan and The Cardinal". Yes, I think we've made the chart many of seconds.

But you wouldn't understand.

It's okay.

Nobody gets it.
K, I wrote this recently and I wrote it for me. I just thought I'd end my last post with something I wrote completely for me, but I'll share it with you. When I first started writing this, I was crying. I was furious and I was crying.
I don't care if it all doesn't really make sense or go together well. Just give me a break, k? This is my last post so just shut up(: If you don't want to hear love and God in the same sentence. Or if you start thinking "oh my gosh, really? I already went to church today." I don't really care too much.
Don't read it, don't listen, don't care. Just go away. Cuz this is my last post. I can do whatever I want. I'm goin to college tomorrow.

3:47 pm:

I'm sorry if that was weird. But that is my last post.

That's all.
See ya Paris.

Love, Phyllis

GREAT BODIES

Sometimes I obsessively, stupidly call my voicemail to feel my heart pump when I hear his voice on the other end saying "..and I love you too"
To hear the messages he left to tell me it's raining outside.

On average, I've listened to those messages... 23 times.

I'm sketching pictures of us.

I'm writing songs about us.

Positive now? I feel inspiration coming to me through him. 

or the lack of..

It's late.
What? No it's not.

I've been really trying to write about something other than him, but the only alternative I could think of was writing about Christmas or the end of Phyllis. I can't get excited for Christmas yet. And just because Dick Tidrow left on Wednesday, doesn't mean I'm ready to throw Phyllis away.

It's weird to think that a new creative writing class will be posting away soon.

It's been fun.

-Phyllis

Winter Posts, never posted

I never stress but when I do stress I stress about becoming.

and I don't know much about you, but I do know about me.
               And, God, you know that every minute I'm trying everything I can to hold the tears in my eyes. Where they belong.

Because I'm so nervous.         But I'm just scared about letting you down. I'm always scared about letting you down, God.

            And I believe in Karma, God. I believe that if I sleep before I pray tonight, someone will ask me on a date tomorrow. and I don't want to go on a date.           I don't want to believe in raw superstition, but I do.

I never really stress, but when I do stress, I stress about "becoming". I worry that someday somebody might tell me about reality.                                 That, someday, someone will shatter this dream-world I live in.

and, God, this is all that I have.

I never speak for fear that the silence in here is the only pressure keeping the one-way mirrors formed in this box around me from caving in.

and I've realized that these mirrors face me.
That everyone else can look into the mirror and see me somewhere in their reflection, but, when I look up I don't see anybody, I only see me.

Snails.

Right now, you and I, we're kinda the world.

And you're not even here next to me.
I know right now you're sleeping in your bed, but I'm wondering if you can feel me too.
I wonder if you can still hear me laughing at the jokes you made hours ago or if you can still feel the pulling of my arm linked to yours. Making you follow me through every creek and trail, under every bridge and tree.

You chased me around the neighborhood, to New York and back again.

I know I'll miss teasing you.
You teasing me.

I know you have to leave me. So you can chase me, catch me, and keep me for good this time. That's what I'd like.

So we can have a sleepover every night and talk till we can't keep our eyes open any longer.
So I can finally run with you in the rain and forget the rest of the world ever existed. So we could huddle up in piles of blankets like you know I love to and fall asleep watching the lightning.

So we can wear matching ugly holiday outfits to every family Christmas party.

So Em and I could go shopping for a pretty white dress. Spending hours trying on all the dresses we see. Trying to find the perfect one.
So you and I could watch The Princess Diaries and drink hot chocolate, with our hair still wet from the pouring rain.
So we won't have to say good night ever again.

SHINING

"If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." -Roald Dahl