Hatred and Butterflies,

I used to think it was all about butterflies and finding wings. I thought it was all about escaping where I am. I thought there was no way I could make anything better. I thought I was stuck there in the mud and my wings were the only way out.

Now, I can't imagine how I was so content with loneliness. And all those lies.
Because, none of it, was even worth the risk.

I didn't know that I could be happy now. Even as teenager... whaaaa? Yeah.

I was in love with the moon and it seemed so romantic, but I didn't know the sun was always up and it never stops shining.
I want to scream that 'never' from the top of any building in New York City. But Empire State is too expensive and I'm practically broke.

But I don't regret it, nope. Because, thank you to everyone, I was lead to where I am now. And I am so happy. I didn't think it was quite possible.

I'm just here to tell you.. I hated that.

I hated how I was loved more when I was beautiful and everything had to be beautiful.
I love playing dress up. But I don't like to "dress up" to please you. I like vampires and gypsies and brides and neon '80's make-up. But I don't think you ever got it.
I never wanted to wear a certain thing to please you. I hated when you'd pull out my hair to the way you liked it. I just wanted to be loved looking the way I love to look.

You wouldn't know because you never could listen. You always sat me down and had me listen to your new song.

And you never touched my back, ever.

I'm sorry if this is immature. Sorry if I shouldn't be doing this. Sorry, I know I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to write worse.

I wrote "Sunlit Eyes" for the moon. Yes, it was like my Letter-I-Would-Give-To-Him-If-We-Ever-Did-Stop-Quietly-Being-In-Love-After-All-These-Years.

Yes, I could manipulate and mold you like jello (jello? it sounded right) If I was getting sick of you, I could say something like, "Hey, so ya know how people take breaks?? ...We should take one of those." A week or two. Then I'd be regenerated to go another month.

But I thought all of that was normal, because I'd never know if it wasn't.
You still think all of that was normal.
I was waiting for you to go on a mission and change. Then, I thought, you'd be perfect and worth it. But I sat on my porch one night and talked to someone, telling them that all of that is great and all, but I'm sick of just waiting around for you to change.

I can't imagine how I thought any of that was right.
Just tell me when you've figured out how wrong it was.


I was in love with the moon and it seemed so romantic, but I didn't know the sun was always up and it never stops shining. Nobody told me that.

                          That was weird for me, that was different.

Here's an answer

I don't know you real well but I wouldn't mind knowing you better.
I wouldn't mind knowing you for the rest of my life. No big deal.

Huge deal.
You're different. You're the kind of girl that walks down the street and people would be wondering, looking out the windows, what your favorite soda is and if you think Audrey Hepburn was really that great of an actress.
They wonder if you write the rhyming kind of poetry and if your favorite kind of chocolate is dark.

I wonder how I could be invited to llama parties like you do and why you've perfected vibrato at only age 15.
It shouldn't be done but you're the kind of girl that could do "impossible".
And look good at the same time.

I love you and Man. And I love that you two are in Junior High. I love that you two love boys.

You make me so curious to know who you are in love with, I even pull off my shyness for a second to ask you. And that's a big deal.
I tried to ask while I ate pancakes, but you didn't hear me, but I'll probably try again later.

I know it's late, but here's an answer if you'll still take it,
I love you.

For Dani Mostly

Do you remember when there were no boys?

We were in love with boys we didn't talk to

In love with boys who really were kinda mean

But we were in love. and obsessed. and it was fun.

Remember when it wasn't serious.

Remember when everyone asked us if we were drunk?

How we weren't scared to sing. How I wasn't scared of you.

Remember how we loved Coleman first, before he was popular. And do you remember when I'd sit on top of the refrigerator to write you letters.

Remember how we invented summer?

Remember how we'd run around in rainstorms.

Back when rain was warm.
And running wasn't just for athletes.


We went running down the summertime streets wearing Lone Peak choir robes, running at night, because we love to feel like Harry Potter, but we don't have to be Harry Potter. Remember that?

Remember when we both forgot how to eat?

When we were so skinny- wait, we still are skinny.

But remember how if I thought I was fat for two seconds you would've slapped me and told me to say ten good things about myself.

toes, cheekbones, calluses on my feet, cheekbones, "nice butt", cheekbones, freckles on my lips, cheekbones, my man voice, cheekbones, "no, it's just naturally sexy", cheekbones, cheekbones, cheekbones

Remember when it was all simple.

when being called 'princess' was all I needed to get me excited.

Remember when nobody called us whores. or sluts. Remember when nobody meant it.

Remember how I was never scared.

Our friends would give me things to say to you that they were too scared to say themselves,

because I could say anything and you'd agree, because you loved me that much more.

You still make me laugh because you love to rip people's head's off.

Remember when we were free?

When nobody would worry about what I was doing when I'd sneak out the windows.

Everything was a movie.
But only sometimes I'm sad real life had to happen.

The summers ended and slowly, I ate lunch alone. Behind the trailers in my cement wonderland.

Remember me?

Remember when I loved you.

I will always love you.

Snails, forever

"I can't see how anyone could do anything without having a best friend."

I wrote this Wednesday. But I'm like, so happy still.

On days like this I think I could make it alone.

Like, forever. I think I could be pleased with only one-class friends or Hallway-friends or texting friends.
On days like this I convince myself I could be perfectly happy spending my alone time alone, like it's meant to be.

Then maybe everything could be in order. I could spend my sleeping time asleep and my daytime awake and I could spend my class time listening and my church time praying.

But, no, I waste my sleep time for painting and my class time for sleeping and my day time dreaming and I use my bedside for praying..

No, I use school-time for praying and social time for praying and my home time for praying, yeah mostly family time for praying and I spend my night-times lying awake...  but mostly lying...


On days like this I think it could make sense to live and have order. But tomorrow, it won't. Tomorrow I'll have the same decisions to worry about that I'll push aside today. and I'll take my own freakin time, although I know I shouldn't. I know I shouldn't be saving decision times for night-times but I've been sleeping as I walk through the halls, so what the heck is the difference anyways? Everything changes in seconds. Just in one look or one class or one sleepless dream. I know, I used to joke I'm bipolar but my friend always said nope, he didn't think so. But now he's got it a little bit and I feel bad that I've rubbed it on to people. Sad, but not surprised. but that's the saddest part of it all. Happy, sad, happy, sad. He said people can notice. I feel bad but I know I shouldn't cuz it's really not my fault, right? But I knew, in time, I'd make his life harder than it needs to be. You shouldn't feel bad..... I don't. Liar... That's why I tried to stop it in the first place. But I won't.    But I know I probably should...

I know I should be doing a lot of things that I'm not, but today I feel like I could do that forever. I don't want to think about the next day or the day after that. Today I'll just forget there's even problems. I don't need to worry.. until I have to. But I know I should worry now.
But I've got to forget everything for now, before happy wears off me.
Because, Tomorrow, I'll feel different.

blue bones

I don't listen to music, but it's nice to know there still is some.

"lousy heart"

you offend me so

"lousy heart"

there was nothing I loved more than listening to it

wondering if you're scared

or if you're just breathing

or if you're only cold from this winter's hard beating

"lousy heart"

I loved feeling it's beat

on my cold tipped ears

because it was proof that you were actually real

that you were human

that you are human

cry, you're still human

oh.. how i hope youll trust me someday

US

"They'll make a statue of us, and put it on a mountain top. And the tourists will come and stare at us."

They'll name an airport after us. And we'll give every lover a discounted ticket to fly.
Because I won't have forgotten every plane ride where I wished you were in the seat beside me. 

The world will have pictures of us. They'll put pictures of us on young girl's fashion blogs. and Tumbler and we heart it and visualize us.

And they'll write songs about us, because we're merely but a myth to the kids with their ukuleles and guitars.

They'll make calendars themed with Us. You and me. But with a picture-a-day, because 12 pictures of me and you just wasn't enough for society, babe.

And the year we get married, our names will become the most popular boy and girl baby names of the year.

And the years we sail the seas, the oceanic creatures will all go wild and each have creature babies. No one will know why, science will never explain it, just "Love".

And, darling, each time we have a baby, the amount of Yellowstone Parks passes sold is tripled. Yes, every time.

And that day we die together, each 15 year old girl and every 16 year old boy in the world will receive a daisy from nobody in particular. But they'll wonder if it was because of Us.