Winter Posts, never posted

I never stress but when I do stress I stress about becoming.

and I don't know much about you, but I do know about me.
               And, God, you know that every minute I'm trying everything I can to hold the tears in my eyes. Where they belong.

Because I'm so nervous.         But I'm just scared about letting you down. I'm always scared about letting you down, God.

            And I believe in Karma, God. I believe that if I sleep before I pray tonight, someone will ask me on a date tomorrow. and I don't want to go on a date.           I don't want to believe in raw superstition, but I do.

I never really stress, but when I do stress, I stress about "becoming". I worry that someday somebody might tell me about reality.                                 That, someday, someone will shatter this dream-world I live in.

and, God, this is all that I have.

I never speak for fear that the silence in here is the only pressure keeping the one-way mirrors formed in this box around me from caving in.

and I've realized that these mirrors face me.
That everyone else can look into the mirror and see me somewhere in their reflection, but, when I look up I don't see anybody, I only see me.

Snails.

Right now, you and I, we're kinda the world.

And you're not even here next to me.
I know right now you're sleeping in your bed, but I'm wondering if you can feel me too.
I wonder if you can still hear me laughing at the jokes you made hours ago or if you can still feel the pulling of my arm linked to yours. Making you follow me through every creek and trail, under every bridge and tree.

You chased me around the neighborhood, to New York and back again.

I know I'll miss teasing you.
You teasing me.

I know you have to leave me. So you can chase me, catch me, and keep me for good this time. That's what I'd like.

So we can have a sleepover every night and talk till we can't keep our eyes open any longer.
So I can finally run with you in the rain and forget the rest of the world ever existed. So we could huddle up in piles of blankets like you know I love to and fall asleep watching the lightning.

So we can wear matching ugly holiday outfits to every family Christmas party.

So Em and I could go shopping for a pretty white dress. Spending hours trying on all the dresses we see. Trying to find the perfect one.
So you and I could watch The Princess Diaries and drink hot chocolate, with our hair still wet from the pouring rain.
So we won't have to say good night ever again.

SHINING

"If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely." -Roald Dahl

Hatred and Butterflies,

I used to think it was all about butterflies and finding wings. I thought it was all about escaping where I am. I thought there was no way I could make anything better. I thought I was stuck there in the mud and my wings were the only way out.

Now, I can't imagine how I was so content with loneliness. And all those lies.
Because, none of it, was even worth the risk.

I didn't know that I could be happy now. Even as teenager... whaaaa? Yeah.

I was in love with the moon and it seemed so romantic, but I didn't know the sun was always up and it never stops shining.
I want to scream that 'never' from the top of any building in New York City. But Empire State is too expensive and I'm practically broke.

But I don't regret it, nope. Because, thank you to everyone, I was lead to where I am now. And I am so happy. I didn't think it was quite possible.

I'm just here to tell you.. I hated that.

I hated how I was loved more when I was beautiful and everything had to be beautiful.
I love playing dress up. But I don't like to "dress up" to please you. I like vampires and gypsies and brides and neon '80's make-up. But I don't think you ever got it.
I never wanted to wear a certain thing to please you. I hated when you'd pull out my hair to the way you liked it. I just wanted to be loved looking the way I love to look.

You wouldn't know because you never could listen. You always sat me down and had me listen to your new song.

And you never touched my back, ever.

I'm sorry if this is immature. Sorry if I shouldn't be doing this. Sorry, I know I shouldn't be doing this. But I wanted to write worse.

I wrote "Sunlit Eyes" for the moon. Yes, it was like my Letter-I-Would-Give-To-Him-If-We-Ever-Did-Stop-Quietly-Being-In-Love-After-All-These-Years.

Yes, I could manipulate and mold you like jello (jello? it sounded right) If I was getting sick of you, I could say something like, "Hey, so ya know how people take breaks?? ...We should take one of those." A week or two. Then I'd be regenerated to go another month.

But I thought all of that was normal, because I'd never know if it wasn't.
You still think all of that was normal.
I was waiting for you to go on a mission and change. Then, I thought, you'd be perfect and worth it. But I sat on my porch one night and talked to someone, telling them that all of that is great and all, but I'm sick of just waiting around for you to change.

I can't imagine how I thought any of that was right.
Just tell me when you've figured out how wrong it was.


I was in love with the moon and it seemed so romantic, but I didn't know the sun was always up and it never stops shining. Nobody told me that.

                          That was weird for me, that was different.

Here's an answer

I don't know you real well but I wouldn't mind knowing you better.
I wouldn't mind knowing you for the rest of my life. No big deal.

Huge deal.
You're different. You're the kind of girl that walks down the street and people would be wondering, looking out the windows, what your favorite soda is and if you think Audrey Hepburn was really that great of an actress.
They wonder if you write the rhyming kind of poetry and if your favorite kind of chocolate is dark.

I wonder how I could be invited to llama parties like you do and why you've perfected vibrato at only age 15.
It shouldn't be done but you're the kind of girl that could do "impossible".
And look good at the same time.

I love you and Man. And I love that you two are in Junior High. I love that you two love boys.

You make me so curious to know who you are in love with, I even pull off my shyness for a second to ask you. And that's a big deal.
I tried to ask while I ate pancakes, but you didn't hear me, but I'll probably try again later.

I know it's late, but here's an answer if you'll still take it,
I love you.

For Dani Mostly

Do you remember when there were no boys?

We were in love with boys we didn't talk to

In love with boys who really were kinda mean

But we were in love. and obsessed. and it was fun.

Remember when it wasn't serious.

Remember when everyone asked us if we were drunk?

How we weren't scared to sing. How I wasn't scared of you.

Remember how we loved Coleman first, before he was popular. And do you remember when I'd sit on top of the refrigerator to write you letters.

Remember how we invented summer?

Remember how we'd run around in rainstorms.

Back when rain was warm.
And running wasn't just for athletes.


We went running down the summertime streets wearing Lone Peak choir robes, running at night, because we love to feel like Harry Potter, but we don't have to be Harry Potter. Remember that?

Remember when we both forgot how to eat?

When we were so skinny- wait, we still are skinny.

But remember how if I thought I was fat for two seconds you would've slapped me and told me to say ten good things about myself.

toes, cheekbones, calluses on my feet, cheekbones, "nice butt", cheekbones, freckles on my lips, cheekbones, my man voice, cheekbones, "no, it's just naturally sexy", cheekbones, cheekbones, cheekbones

Remember when it was all simple.

when being called 'princess' was all I needed to get me excited.

Remember when nobody called us whores. or sluts. Remember when nobody meant it.

Remember how I was never scared.

Our friends would give me things to say to you that they were too scared to say themselves,

because I could say anything and you'd agree, because you loved me that much more.

You still make me laugh because you love to rip people's head's off.

Remember when we were free?

When nobody would worry about what I was doing when I'd sneak out the windows.

Everything was a movie.
But only sometimes I'm sad real life had to happen.

The summers ended and slowly, I ate lunch alone. Behind the trailers in my cement wonderland.

Remember me?

Remember when I loved you.

I will always love you.

Snails, forever

"I can't see how anyone could do anything without having a best friend."